7 - Chew

I understand smoking. It looks cool, chicks dig it and it's a social activity. Smoking provides a clear indication of manhood. Unless you’re a girl, then it’s disgusting. But chewing tobacco? That's just stupid. What's the draw? How do you even get started with that? “Pssst. Hey Buddy. Tuck some of this cow poop in your lip. Everybody’s doin’ it.” Um. No thank you.

If you smoke, there’s a good chance you’re going to end up with some kind of cancer, lung disease or breathing disorder. With chew, you don’t have to guess. There won’t be any sleepless nights worrying, or anxiety about what disease you’ll get. Just throw some dip at the body part you hate and chances are you’ll grow some cancer there.

I’ve noticed that most people who chew prefer the lower lip. Tuck a nice wad of snuff in there, let it brew for a few years and PRESTO! You don’t have to worry about brushing those pesky old teeth anymore. Now you have an attractive chasm where your munchers used to be.

Blog: Since when do you get to judge what is or isn’t attractive? I’ve seen your hair.

That was a rude interruption. I was totally on a roll. Maybe Blog could relax and keep its thoughts to itself. Sorry about that. So, here’s my problem with sucking the moist smokeless: It’s an instant IQ degenerator. Okay. I can tell by the look on your face that you don’t believe me.

Try this: Imagine you’re on the operating table and your brain surgeon is removing that part of your brain which thinks chewing tobacco is cool, sexy and all around bitchin’. Now, take a closer look at the brain surgeon. Does he smell like menthol? Is his lower lip pooched out? Is he drooling on your cranium? Does his expression say, “Duh . . .” Exactly. Now, imagine you’re ice fishing. There’s a guy about 10 feet away from you using a chain-saw to cut a hole in the ice. He’s standing in the middle of the hole he’s cutting. His name is Billy Bob Jethro Tull Meatloaf IX. Now, take a closer look at BBJTM IX’s face. Thank you. I rest my case.

So, I’ve come up with a list of Pros and Cons to help sway you to my point of view.

Blog: Does anybody freaking care about this topic? Do they even make tobacco products anymore? I thought they were illegal.

Dang it, Blog! Can you shut your face for 2 seconds! Sheesh.

Pros

• The mark on your back pocket from the Skoal tin looks cool.
• You can pick where you'd like your cancer.

Cons

• You look like a dufus.
• You have to pick where you'd like your cancer.
• There is a never-ending supply of chunks in your teeth.
• Drooling.
• Slurping between sentences.
• Where to squirt the sauce?
• Who wants to kiss a wet hay bale?
• Your IQ is cut in half (if you're lucky).
• Do I need to continue?
• I don’t think so because if you're not convinced by now, you're a dufus and your mom wears combat boots.

The ultimate goal for a guy is to be cool enough for chicks to dig him. I haven’t met a single girl who thinks that a guy chewing tobacco looks sexy. (Some married ones do, but no singles.)

I propose arming tobacco pushers with M&M’s instead. Not only because I have stock in the Mars company, but also because chicks love chocolate. I know you can’t picture how this would work, so here is a recipe for Instant Stud:

1. Toss a hand full of M&M’s (peanut look coolest) into your mouthal cavity.
2. Let them brew up a good sauce right there in that special place nestled between your lower lip and your teeth.
3. Slowly, delicately suck the juice out.
4. Eat the peanuts.
5. Swig some Pepsi.
6. Rinse and repeat.
   

See? I knew you’d like it. There’s no spitting, no cancer (as far as we know), and you’ll always smell good. But you’ll still look like a dufus.

Somebody should fix that.

Blog: You’re not the boss of me.

Yes I am.