6 - Having Text

I've noticed an epidemic. Everywhere you look, people are having text. It's cool. I'm hip. I've even had text before. But give me a break. What ever happened to The Conversation?

Text is a sensitive topic. Like everything else, there is a time and place for text. When you and I are hanging out for an hour and you spend half that hour having text with someone else, there's a problem. It would be less rude to call the person, spend one minute having a conversation and then focus your undivided attention back on ME.

On the other hand, I can see many legitimate reasons for having text. If I'm in a meeting and you need to get a message to or from me, text is a great solution. Maybe you're in class, just sending a quick FYI or note. Or you don't have a mouth. All good reasons for textual relations.

Blog: You're my BFF.

Okay psycho. I wasn't even talking to you. And what the hell is a BFF? I thought I told you before, I don't speak acronym.

Blog: My bad, Homie. Chill. It's all good. Piece.

Now you're scaring me. Let's move on because this is important. I've developed a list of definitions to help us all be better people, loving our neighbors as ourselves. I believe with a better understanding and awareness of text, we will be able to maintain good, healthy textual relations without sacrificing interpersonal communication as a whole.

Textual Definitions

• Textual Conduct - The behavior exhibited while having text.
  


• Safe Text - Be smart. Be appropriate. For example, don't text while driving. We need you focused on the task at hand.
  


• Text Offenders - These are people who text at inappropriate times, like during a conversation with you. To fix it, squeeze your eyes shut, scream "Blueberries!" at the top of your lungs and box your ears until they stop.
  


• Textual Assault - Overload! You haven't even had a chance to answer the last text and you already have 3 more.
  


• Oral Text - The act of SPEAKING words.
  


• Text Goddess - She can text faster than she can type.
  


• Text Machine - The doo-hicky you're using to text with.
  


• Textual Harassment - They keep texting you even after you call them and ask them nicely to "Knock that crap off!"
  


• Pre-contractual Text - Having text before you even have a cell phone. Not sure how that works. Pencil and paper text?
  


• Textual Relations - Engaging in text with someone.
  


• Textual Tension - The electricity between two people who really want to have text with each other but know they can't because it's not the time or place.

I propose we have text messages, not textual conversations. Wouldn't our world be a much happier place if we all engaged in more Oral Text? I think so.

Somebody should fix that.

Blog: Wait a minute . . . that sounds a lot like something else.

5 - A.D.D.

I saw this bandwagon the other day. It was so full of people it looked like the head on a frosty mug about to erupt like a thermal spring. On each side of the bandwagon was a sign that proclaimed "Attention Deficit Disorder Isn't a Bunch of Crap". I'm sorry. There are plenty of bandwagons I'll get on. That isn't one of them.

Now, before you start pelting me with spit wads and stoning me with insults, let me finish. I don't want you to misunderstand me. I believe A.D.D. is a legitimate condition and theoretically there are people who struggle with it. Having said that, I just ooooh! There's a butterfly . . .

Blog: Hello? Where did you go?

4 - Counting to Three

I'm a pretty reasonable guy. I understand there are an infinite number of books written about parenting and child discipline. There are innumerable parenting techniques that I don't agree with. But that's ok. I can live with the fact that we disagree on some things. However. There is one form of discipline that I can not comprehend. Ergo, it must be stupid. It is the warning technique that involves counting, and the magic number three.

I realize there's the Holy Trinity, Three's Company and Three Blind Mice. But don't you remember? Bad things happen in threes. Three's a crowd, the Third Reich and the Rambo Trilogy.

Blog: Um. I kind of liked the Rambo Trilogy.

Yeah. Because of it's eloquent and witty dialog, right? Maybe you should check out Gladiator or 300 and join us in the 21st Century. Sorry about that. Blog's kind of rude interrupting us in the middle of a perfectly good one sided conversation. Where were we?

Oh, yes. Counting to three. I have a question. Why stop at three? Why not go to four or ten? In my experience, which involves countless hours of field testing and research, three is not magic. I'll bet you the four pennies jangling in my right pocket that if you counted to four your kid would wait until four to listen to you. Ditto the number ten.

Have you noticed? Police don't count. "Pull it over. I'm serious. Don't make me count. Alright, buddy. One . . . Two . . . Two and a half . . . Two and three quarters . . ." Seems ridiculous, right? I agree. And, at what age does the counting stop? "Son, I expect you and your wife and kids to come for Thanksgiving dinner. What do you mean you're busy? One . . . Two . . ."

Are there rules? Like you can't count to someone older than you? "Gram, don't go outside in the ice storm. I don't want you to break your hip. Again. Gram! Get back in here! One . . . Two . . . Two and nine sixteenths . . ."

I guess the reason it seems so absurd to me is that when I tell my kids to do something, I mean it the first time. I realize that if I were a counter, they'd wait until three because they could. Kids are kids. Obviously they won't always do what you tell them to do, when you tell them to do it. But can we stop the madness?

No wonder kids demand a second and third chance. When you speed, your chances are pretty good you'll get a ticket. Don't expect a warning. Don't ask for a second chance. You were caught disobeying the law. Quit crying and take your ticket. You deserve it. Learn from it. One time. That's how many times I'm going to tell you something.

Oops. I slipped and accidentally got her pregnant. You only told me once not to play Twister. Oops. I trapped my czar around an elephant pole while I was punk. I wish you'd told me tee times so I knew you were serious about blinking and diving. They're not used to facing the consequences because they've never had to. Until the wondrous power of three has been reached.

Blog: I think you're going overboard. Blaming an insignificant number for the downfall of our society.

Sometimes I think Blog is a pesky little junior higher. Questioning my intellect and authority. Like Blog has any experience being a parent. Check the facts, pal. They fit.

I think the ridiculous counting needs to stop. If you don't mean it the first time, don't say it. And if you just can't help yourself, and you physically NEED to count - like a hummingbird needs socks - why not stop at one? You may be surprised. It's just as magic as three.

Somebody should fix that.

3 - Pennies are Stupid

Do I look like Santa Claus? No. Then why should I jingle all the way?

A few days ago I stopped at a fast food restaurant. I knew going in that you get good food or good value, not both. All I got was pissed. I frugally selected the 97 cent yucktastic cheese booger. After paying tax, rent and the milkshake fund, my total came to one oh three. Nestled in my left pocket were several neatly pressed, fresh and crispy dollar bills. Spooning in my right pocket were my keys and a whole bunch of nothing else. The way I like it.

All I needed was three stupid pennies. But no. I was forced to sacrifice one of my thin, quiet bills in return for 97 cents worth of Here I Am Look At Me!

I don't mind spending the extra money, I mind the geyser of nearly useless metal in my pocket waiting to erupt all over my car seat and trickle down into my socks. Recently I've just been telling people to "keep the change". Have you seen someone at the exact moment when the lights go out? Tell them to keep the change. It's actually kind of funny. Their eyes glaze over and they start mumbling and drooling. DOES NOT COMPUTE. That's 97 cents worth of entertainment right there. Money well spent in my book.

In the scheme of things, does a penny really make a difference? They take up space. They use up all the batteries in my change sorter machine. I always run out of penny wrappers first. You have to find 25 of them just to buy a gumball. Pennies are like mosquitoes. Except they don't have wings. Or buzz. Or suck my blood. Or make me itch. Ok. I guess they're not totally like mosquitoes. But they're annoying and they bug the hell out of me. Does anybody make penny repellent? Because I'll buy some.

Blog: You seem to do a lot of complaining without offering any solutions.

Ok mister smarty pants. I'm not totally unreasonable. I propose a compromise. Let's get rid of all the stupid pennies, nickels and dimes. From now on we round to the nearest quarter. I would way rather pay an extra 25 cents to not have reindeer chase me. Seriously. You're going to give me 97 cents?? Save the time it takes counting out 97 cents in change, and just give me the frickin dollar. I've got your back next time when the total is $1.13.

Somebody should fix that.

2 - Toilet Paper

Do you use toilet paper? Please say yes. I'll assume you do.

Blog: Assume makes an 'Ass' out of 'U' and 'Me'.

Are you going to be like this ALL the time? I think Blog should be seen and not heard. Speaking of ass, I was at the store the other day. My task was seemingly simple. Procure some TP. Simple it was not.

Somewhere in the last ten years a "brilliant" product analyst came up with an entirely new way to piss me off. If you do not have vast experience or an intimate knowledge of higher math, it is virtually impossible to buy toilet paper. A roll of TP is no longer measured as a roll. I'm convinced there is a formula or equation involving pyarskwaired and circumference vs. diameter divided by squares per roll times the number of ply equals who gives a crap. I just want some frickin TP!

Blog: You're whining, so you may as well use the wine comment.

It's not like I'm trying to pick wine. It's small squares of tissue paper. In a roll. Seems simple enough. Why did somebody have to make it so complicated? 24 Double Rolls = 48 regular rolls. 24 Extra Jumbo rolls = a Million Billion Double Quadruple Rolls. It takes longer to pick out TP than the rest of the groceries! I finally just got pissed and grabbed one that looked familiar.

When I go to the store I'd just like to be able to reach out and grab a pack of toilet paper. No BS. No gimmicks. Just plain old, white as snow, pure, lovely toilet paper. To wipe with. I don't need it to lotion me. I don't need 18 ply. I don't need six thousand meters. I just need a few squares. To wipe.

Somebody should fix that.

1 - It's Name is Blog

I have discovered a new world, and it's name is Blog. I frequently get a hankering to spill my opinionated guts regarding things that are stupid and need to be fixed. Blog is there. Blog will hold my hand and comfort me. Blog will understand and not talk back. Blog will listen.

Blog: Maybe you should get to the point . . .

Blog will shut the hell up and keep it's opinions to itself. I'll do the talking. It's my Blog. Not the other way around. Sorry about that. Blog needs a "time out".

So. Here I am. The Voice of Sanity. Blog is just along for the ride.