12 - Gums

Remember the old days? Ok. Not the REALLY old days. I just mean the old days when I was a kid. Grandma’s purse was incredible. Any time we’d go somewhere with Grandma, she'd manage to lug her Samsonite with her.

The beauty of having a Grandma with a purse of atomic proportions was that it had everything in it. Jumper Cables? Check. Pillow? Check. Case of Handi Wipes? Check. But the greatest reward to ever spring from Grandma’s purse, was gum.

And we could have whatever flavor we wanted, as long as it was peppermint or spearmint. Because, in the whole world, they only made peppermint or spearmint. But that changed when people started hearing about a new invention called The Choice.

Blog: I have a choice?

No. I’m talking to the humans. We are psychotic about choices. Everyone wants choices. But there are so many choices we’re frozen into indecision. Have fun at the grocery isle. Have you looked at your gumtacular options? Walnut Berry Splash. Super Margarita Mint Medley. Chocolate Banana Fuzzy Ice Blast. Mango Papaya Yogurt Passion. Where the hell is the peppermint or spearmint? I wanted fresh breath, not fruit salad.

Go ahead and keep your funky Bubble Tape and your Strawberry Vanilla Tart. Just leave me a small section with a sign so I can find it: Peppermint & Spearmint.

Blog: and Juicy Fruit, and Cinnamon, and Fruit Stripe, and Bubbalicious, and Bubble Yum, and Bazooka, and …

Somebody should fix that.

11 - Cereal Bags Suck

Do we live in the greatest country in the world or what? We’re technologically advanced. We’re free (sort of – I’m sure I’ll have more to say about that later…). In general, we kick ass. Then why is it we can’t seem to manufacture a decent cereal bag?

Am I the only one who turns into a sailor when they open a new box of cereal? Seriously. Do I look like a plastic surgeon?

Blog: No.

40 years ago, we put a man on the moon. And by “we” I mean “they”. 10 years ago 128MB was a wicked hard drive. And just yesterday I was reading about Pleo, the interactive robotic dinosaur. Yet here I am. Struggling. Fuming. Because for some reason it’s impossible to invent a cereal bag that can be opened without archeological tools. Yes, I want cereal. No, I don’t want it in my hair.

Ok. I guess the problem isn’t really opening the bag. Any moron can open a cereal bag. The trick is opening it in such a way that it is still useable. But there’s such a fine line. You need to pull hard enough to separate the plastic, but not too hard or you’ll give the bag a C-Section.



Blog: Ever hear of scissors?

What? I don’t want to do an art project. I just want my freaking cereal. Right now! I’m not asking for cereal in a can. Shoot, I’m not even asking for Ziploc. I just want to be able to open the bag, excavate some cereal and roll the bag up for next time.

Somebody should fix that.

10 - Ear Thingies

Hey Bud! How’s it going? I’ve been really busy this week working on…Oops! Sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt you. Wait. Who are you talking to? Are you talking to me? I’m confused. Are you on the phone?

Blog: Um. I’M confused.

Sorry. It’s just that your lips weren’t moving so I thought you were wearing that Ear Thingy as a foundation for your self-confidence. Ha! Before you get all pissed at me for raining all over your charade, let me clarify: I like Ear Thingies. Ear Thingies are good. Ear Thingies make it possible for you to drive, talk on the phone AND chew gum at the same time. You go girl! (or boy)

Blog: I’m a boy.

No you're not. You’re an androgynous collection of 1’s and 0’s, Pal. Simply created for my own amusement and completely controlled by the power of my will.

Blog: I think therefore I am.

Blog, sometimes you're just a distraction. I was trying to confront the ridiculous behavior of people who wear the Ear Thingy. Will someone please explain this phenomenon?

A phone is a device you use and hold to yourself when in use. You don’t leave it hanging on your ear indefinitely just IN CASE you get a call. That’s stupid. It would be like leaving a roll of TP in my butt crack just because I MIGHT need to go to the bathroom at some point. Maybe I should carry around a stapler on the off chance I run into a stack of loose, unorganized papers today.


Imagine we lived our lives with this mentality. Everyone around us would be a walking junk drawer, and by trying to be prepared for every contingency, we'd revert to being useless. So ultimately we’d be breaking the Golden Rule, which states, “Be useful unto your neighbor so he can be useful unto you, and don’t wear Ear Thingies when you aren’t on the phone.”


Seriously though, I don't keep my keys in my hand all day in case I might go for a drive. That's why God invented pants with pockets. So take off your Ear Thingy. Leave it in your pocket or your purse, or clip it on your belt. By all means put it on when you need it, but then quickly and with much stealth, remove it and stow it properly when finished.

Somebody should fix that.

Blog: To be or not to be? That is the question.